


A Letter to You, Boss

by Sunfire7845 (sunfire7845)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Humor, Other, political humour
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-15
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2017-11-21 05:03:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/593732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunfire7845/pseuds/Sunfire7845
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whenever a new leader comes into power, the first thing he or she gets is a letter. From their respective nation. De-anon from kink meme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. America

Dear Sir/Madam,

Congratulations! You have won the presidential election and are now considered the most powerful person on Earth. I am assuming that you are the newly-elected president of the United States of America. If you are not and are merely a very lost secretary or clerk trying to find the papers on the new nuclear policy, they are at the back of the third drawer near the pink and yellow cabinet in the kitchen. Yes, I know, a terrible colour choice for a cabinet.

Who am I? You are probably wondering why the former president gave you this yellowed envelope on the first day you stepped into the White House, basking in the glory and relish at disposing of your rival, then proceeded to dash off with a sombero on his or her head and a milkshake in one hand to somewhere peaceful. In fact, I know that you are already questioning yourself and going "Why oh why must they insist I read this letter before I get started on anything?". I'll try to be as brief as possible. The key word here, sir or madam, is 'try'.

My name is Alfred. F. Jones. If you want a complete list of names that I have used, please see me for furthur details. Why Alfred? Why choose that name? It was the name of one of my favourite navy ships, the S.S Alfred. A great ship she was. My official name though, is the United States of America.

Now, before you get up and press that little blue button over there on your desk to summon somebody and ask them if this is the former's president idea of a joke, let me assure you that this is not a joke. And trust me, I have seen my fair share of reactions from former presidents. Nixon was an idiot though. He tore up my original letter and I had to rewrite the entire damn thing.

Still reading? Good, please do continue. If you are feeling faint though, I suggest a day of bed rest and a cup of nice, hot coffee. Okay, back already? Let's go on.

Greetings again! I assumed you had a great day pondering on whether to throw this letter into the shredder and incinerate the pieces. If you are reading this, it means that you have not done anything with it yet and are still willing to hear me out.

America has always been a proud nation, a nation standing tall, a beacon of light to the rest of the world and you, sir or madam, will continue to carry on that job, the job of leading the world, a feat that many have failed to pull off successfully. Let me reassure you though, that I will always be by your side. It is my duty to guide every single president that has walked through the corridors of the White House and ensure that they know that what they're doing is for the good of the American people and the world, never for personal gain.

And now, a list of do's and dont's. Lovely old George insited on it. Over the years I have edited some of the contents.

-Give me a daily allowance. How did you think I got the money to buy my daily supply of healthy McDonalds burgers?

-Whenever a guy calling himself Molossia comes over, please do not hesitate to cower behind your large mahogony desk in the Oval Office. Or you could just hide in the broom cupboard.

-If England (or the United Kingdom) comes over, please do not enter the room when I am conversing with him. Personal matters and stuff. And no, not that way! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING AND IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!

-If I am in a meeting with all fifty of my states, do not come in unless I have given you prior permission. Remember, not all Americans voted for you.

-Please, if a guy comes into your office weilding an iron pipe and going "Kolkolkol", press that shiny red button there. It's specially designed for these kind of emergencies.

-I like to watch scary movies. I might pull you out of your important security meetings at any moment and plop you down on the couch to watch the movie with me.

-I have a pet alien called Tony. Don't ask.

Good luck with your term, sir or madam! Random fact though: Most of your predecessors only choose to remain for one term before quitting.

Yours sincerely,

Alfred. F Jones

The United States of America


	2. Russia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross-posted from ff.net

Greetings,

If you have invaded Russia by force, please refer to Section B of the letter. If you have ascended the throne of power by conventional (read: Non-violent, peaceful) methods, please continue reading.

Greetings again, sir or madam. This letter is specially written for your eyes only. Yes, you. You who now command the biggest nation on Earth, you with the smug smile on your face as you take your place. Pay attention, for I have very important matters to tell you.

Who am I that dare write you a letter on the first day you entered the Kremlin itself? My name is Russia. Yes, the Federation of Russia, or the Russian Federation, whichever you prefer. Ivan is also great, if you want to go for casual.

Please, don't faint now. It'll save me a lot of time picking up after you and apologising to the hospital staff. But if you _do_  faint, at least take comfort in the fact that some people have placed bets on you not fainting when reading this letter and you just made them lose their hard-earned money.

Moving on. Dear sir/madam, you could say that I represent the entire Russian people as a whole. I am a nation, and whatever happens to the Russian people also impacts me. So I trust that you'll take good care of me, _right?_

International relationships have also improved a lot since the days of the Soviet Union. However, I will be most grateful if you could try and _ah,_  persuade my former Soviet Union friends to be less fearful of me. Contrary to popular belief, I do not bite, though I do hit hard with an iron pipe.

Do not try and even negeotiate with the president of Belarus. Whatever offer he is making, he is making it out of fear owning to the fact that his nation will slit his throat with a knife should he not manage to broker a deal with you involving joint projects between the nations of Belarus and Russia.

As most nations have also included these into their letters, I would also like to add in my own list of dos and dont's when you're around me:

1\. The golden rule that many past rulers have trembled before: Do not touch my scarf. I will personally pick you up and throw you to Siberia if you step on it. Yes, I know that you are the president. No, I do not care.

2\. Do not invite Belarus to any special functions. If you do, I will not be present and you will be stuck explaining to her about the various reasons why I couldn't attend and let me tell you, that is never a pretty job.

3\. I need vodka. Lots of it.

4\. I will really appreciate it if you could order Chinese food from time to time. I adore Chinese food, and of course, China himself.

5\. America is stupid. England is stupid. France is stupid. You will oppose everything they say unless I say otherwise.

6\. Don't worry, we do cooperate sometimes.

7\. Do be reminded to change the front doors of the Kremlin monthly. Belarus wears them down by constantly scratching on the surface.

Thank you, and good luck on running the country and the people. You'll need it~

**SECTION B: IF YOU HAVE INVADED RUSSIA BY FORCE PLEASE READ HERE**

I do not appreciate you invading me. Really, I don't. But since you're here already, I'll just give you a piece of advice.

Get out before something bad happens to you. Avalanches do happen to those unfortunate souls who do not know Russia as much as they think they do.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

Yours sincerely,  
Ivan Braginsky  
The Russian Federation


	3. France

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross-posted from ff.net

To the newly-elected President:

Welcome to your first day at work as the President of France! We have not been introduced yet, but I will be meeting you very soon. Before we come to that, please read this letter that has been specially written for you.

Greetings, sir or madam, or whatever you are, though I have been hoping for a very long time now that you will be a beautiful madam. If you are not, too bad for me then. My hopes have once again been crushed. But if you are a good-looking man, then I am most pleased and will ***** this part is unreadable due to the black splotches of ink splashed onto it*

I am the personification of your beloved country France. Before you start questioning my sanity, I can reassure you that this phase of disbelief that you are currently going through is perfectly normal and that there is nothing to be worried about. By the time you have finished reading my letter you'll either a) run screaming out of the building, something which hasn't happened in the last century or so, b) try and get me thrown into jail or c) quietly accept everything that I will tell you.

Oh, France! A beautiful country with an equally beautiful hairsty-oops, I mean history, of course. Ignore that little spelling mistake. So unlike the other barbaric countries around, like that Germany or that wet-as-a-blanket England! You, sir or madam, should be proud of leading a country like me through these times of turbulence and trouble! Of course over the years, there has been a lot of jokes made at the expense of the French (a thousand curses upon you, England!) but I urge you to pay no heed to them, although the French president has always been branded by the rest of the world as somebody who spends too much money on his or her clothes and possess a terrible sense of direction. Again, pay no heed to them.

Recently, a lot of countries have been accusing me of bringing down the entire Eurozone. Ah, those accusations have really hurt me! You, as my president, will be in charge of meeting with the other leaders of the European countries on my behalf, making decisions that you think are the best and generally making everybody feel a little more friendly towards me. (And tell Romania to stay away from me. His fangs always make me feel uncomfortable for unknown reasons.)

Of course, you will also be meeting a lot of times with the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Ah, Britain! A truly befuddling country of constant rain, tea and terrible, terrible food! It is an old tradition for the new French president to come down with food poisoning the first time he or she visits the United Kingdom, attempts to sample the food there to appease the British Prime Minister and reassure the rest of the world that there is nothing wrong with British cuisine. Of course, the food poisoning is always an unfortunate side-effect of an otherwise diplomatic and international tie-boosting visit. Surprisingly, your predecessors always learnt their lessons fast, and brought their own chefs with them to the United Kingdom. A wise move, I would say.

On the subject of the personification of the United Kingdom himself, when you get to meet him on your first visit to the United Kingdom, do not comment on the state of his messy hair and horrid excuses for eyebrows. Yes, he will be very civil and polite when you talk with him but personally I can tell you, that man is a black-hearted pirate. Should the subject of his eyebrows come up, he will not hesitate to insult you subtlely and come up with another new joke at your expense. If that ever happens to you, the best way to save what's left of your dignity will be to excuse yourself from the room, hide your face under a nearby table or if you'll feeling particularly risque, question him on the rising number of cases of tourists being admitted to English hospitals for suspected food poisoning.

There are a lot of other important matters to tell you about this man, but due to the sensitivity of these matters, I will compile the most important ones into a list simple enough for you to understand. (Of course, not all of them are on  _him_. Did you think I was so obssessed with that pirate?)

1\. The first and most important rule of all: If somebody ever threatens you, surrender immediately. Why did you think the French president was always required to carry around a white handkerchief?

2\. Whenever England comes around, hide the alcohol. I do not want to deal with a drunk and incoherent Englishman blubbing out all his embarrassing secrets to me.

3\. Though I will be most grateful if you could jot down some of the stuff he says. It makes perfect blackmail material.

4\. If he demands for the transcript, tell him you have already photocopied it and handed it out to all the representatives of every country in the United Nations General Assembly.

5\. Then, I suggest you start running. Fast. And wave your hanky while you're at it.

6\. Please, do not anger Russia or Germany. I do not want to start a war with them over whose tanks are better.

7\. There is a boy called Canada who looks like me. Please do not mistake him for me. He doesn't likes it very much.

8\. If a loud and brash young man wearing glasses comes up to you and demands that you sign so and so document, say in a very loud voice so that everyone can hear you "Oh look at that time! I'm so very late for my next pedicure appointment! See you next time, kid!". Trust me, shaming yourself is better than signing all those documents.

That is all for now. As you read this last sentence, I am standing outside the door, patiently waiting for you to open it and let me in so we can discuss further and quell any doubts that you might have.

Yours sincerely,

Francis Bonnefoy,

France


End file.
